[ date ] Friday, January 18th - 06:11 pm [ subject ] whooooot~!!!!!! [ security ] Public [ location ] living room [ music ] Finger Eleven - you changed the world (?)

hahaha!

so yeah. things randomly decided to work themselves out and now I'm happy and excited and SO glad things worked out this way :) I mean things will get complicated down the road i guess... when ppl at work figure it out... but w/e, for now its fun being a secret - as frustrating as i'm sure it will get too.

So wtf am I talking about? haha, well things just worked out with the person i had a thing for :) and yeah, its fun. Weird and stuff still, but i think I can grow into this. I'm just so optimistic about it.

and yeah, I can see this giving be a hard time for getting school work done... but w/e, I hopefully will get everything done tomorrow that I should have done today.. haha, but I slept when I got home from work (I opened) and now I'm going out to see a movie :P tomorrow I promise i will work all day and get it all done! ... I kinda have to cause I work on Sunday and my readings are due for monday and everything else on tuesday.. haha...

Things with Steph and still whatever but ... I guess that's really just how things have grown into and I should just get used to it and stop fussing about it.

I have to do the dishes tomorrow and clean up the house a bit. I dont mind, I use that as a break from my h/w :)

and I've awesome going out plans coming up, and I'm liking my type 3 project so far, and I'm sure once I get down to it I'll start liking my Interactivity too. Readings arent so bad, I really like my second lecture, and the group project sound fun too. yeah :) all around I think things just decided that they've been a bit too lame to me lately and are now giving me a break :D I'm so thanking this cause it was just want I needed and gyha!

as a note: I've noticed that January is a crazy important month for me. A hole bunch of things have happened t me during this month throught the past few years, and I've a funny feeling i could track it a few years father back too. *shrugs* w/e tho, good or bad this month that likes to bring me change.

I guess that's all really, I just wanted to jot this stuff down :)

my lj is all full of emo or blah-type posts so getting a happy one in every now and then is good :)

[ date ] Saturday, January 5th - 11:52 pm [ subject ] (no subject) [ security ] Public [ location ] room [ mood ] apathetic [ music ] Price to Pay - Staind

Guess i should post something i wont post just for myself to read later XD

Well, my Holidays have been up and down, and mostly it would be in the down position. I mean I chose to work all the time and a half days, but I was kinda hoping Steph would be around to share the holiday with me. oh well.

So yeah, it's been pretty lonely for me, and after 4 nights in a row of getting upset about it I was in dire need of much drunkenness on new years. So that happened and not so surprising what happened. I called the person I've a thing for(I think, I'm so confused... but I'm honest when I'm drunk...) and ranted about stuff, ranted to Miri about the things that were bothering me and then made out on the kitchen floor with a pretty girl I never meet before. Went to work the next day slightly drunk and then denied all that i said on the phone message and realized i lost the girls number and that she was just a kiss slut and has a bf.

But yeah. I don't regret that that all happened, I mean now I know what it's like kissing a girl while very very drunk. I guess i can cross that off my list of things to do in my life... I'm not sure how much I am attracted to girls though... i guess i'll just have tp try things once and see what I like best? w/e, I'm not going to fuss to much more about this. I'm attracted to both male and female, I just wont know what one more until I try things out more with both. *shrug*

School starts for me on monday, I'm excited. I hope i can just focus on school this semester and not get all distracted by stupid things.

I think I'm going to go shopping tomorrow for things for my new place. Cause I'm moving out and away from Steph... and she owns almost everything here, so I've got to start slowly buying more stuff like towels and plates... I'm kinda upset about the moving out thing, but w/e... nothing i can do about it but move on from it.

Steph, like always, has been upsetting me lately, but i've got to start thinking outside my selfish box. She's moving out with Mike so why should she not spend all her time with him? they love each other so why should she split her time up with me? i doubt I'll see her at all next year. w/e... that's how life goes.

How do i make feelings obvious? I think I'm already obvious. Oh well. Maybe all my thoughts about him should stay that way- as thoughts and not reality. i dunno... i just don't understand my feelings towards him... is it just friendship or is it more? I'm so confused... w/e, i should just leave it alone cause it wouldn't work... *sigh*

Anyway... this break has been annoying and stupid. I've had huge lows - the ones where all you want to do is crawl in a hole and die cause it seems no one will notice anyway, and somewhat good highs, like getting drunk and mad making out with a pretty girl :S yeeeeaaaahhhhh... ok. >.<;;; so w/e... i sum up this year, 2007, as being frustrating.

oh oh, lest break down the past year!
- worked at sbucks, hated it for a quarter of that time. I'm not the 3rd longest person who still works there... as much as i want to go its all i have really... its my home more then this is sometimes...
- school sucked. It's been going downhill and I've got to stop my stupidness and get focused.
- art is w/e...
- Andrew n I broke up the beginning of 2007 and I'm still quite single.
- became better friends with Andrea witch is cool. thats prolly one of the only real pluses to the year.
- haven't gotten to an extreme low though! Been floating around meh to ok mostly.

yeah i dunno what else... i cut my hair short and died it dark.

plans for this year: do well in school. move out... find a reason to be happy that actually makes me happy...? cause although school is awesome and works good i still find i'm unsatisfied.

blah. i'm a little drunk and quite tired (sorta... i kinda just want to stair at the ceiling for a few hours while listening to music...) ... so I'm gunna end this now.

***Raondommm....

hoping this year is better... but i'm not going to hold my breath on it...

ugh. this sucks... I suck... and why should it change if alls I've ever done was hope for the best and get disappointed...? my ideals dont fit into the world i live in. my laziness stops me from creating my own world. And really, if i was tired of being this way I'd change it. I guess being depressed is one of my favorite things...?

oh i dunno. mind me. grah. frustrated with life and it being impossible and annoying.

I wanted to get raving mad and drunk tonight and go out for a walk and smoke but I can't cause Shes home with mike and her sister is sleeping in the living room and of course they didn't call me to tell me this... so i'm immediately stuck in my room. fucking pisses me off how this house is hers... ugh. I'm so angry about this shit I could ... i dunno... drink wine by myself and get emo on livejournal... riiiiite.

this is not helping me.

night...***



what should i do?

[ date ] Tuesday, November 13th - 09:10 am [ subject ] (no subject) [ security ] Public

Well i am now fully sick... and damn dose it suck! I dunno how I'm supposed to get everything done :S aiiiyah... I guess I'll work it out...

today spite my sickiness i'm going dt with a friend to get my ear priced and buy a bunch of paper :) maybe I'll convince her to go to H&M :D lol, buy myself a new shirt. i think that would make me feel better lol

but yeah... I've been so stressed out lately... and I haven't really anything to let it all out on so i guess it all just built up in me and exploded when i was at the tell labs all night on saturday... I was finishing a project that... even though it looks awesome I'm sure I'll only get like a 60 on it... I know there are flaws... like my imagery dosent quite match my article.. buts only cause i ran out of time to really go over my article... cause I wanted to add satire to it but yeah.. that's hard... oh well... it's nly worth 35% of my mark in that class... and the next project I'm already 2 weeks behind on... fuck... i am so skrewed... i need to get better so i can work all night again cause with working 23 fucking (or more) hours i just dont have enough time to do the all my work to it's fullest... last year was ok... but this year I just can't and my marks show it.

I think I'm going to ask for 18 hours... twice a week and to drop my shift position if i have too... but yet again I'm looking for full time in the summer and i've been there for a long time already.. and prolly a longer time yet to go... so hopefully she'll be nice and let me keep my shift-ness and work under 20 hours... I dunno.. I still need money for rent...

I just dont know. my body just can't handle this much. 2 huge amounts of stress all semester makes for a borken jeanna...

But yeah, on the hopefully good news I'm looking into an exchange to Germany next year! :D I'm going to a meeting that will talk about it later tonight! I'm excited but worried... cause my marks rent that great and you prolly need A's... but oh well, i still want to know about it :)

Well i need to shower cause I'm gross and make myself presentable enough to go outside ><;; i really hope i feel better! cause i have SOOO much to do.

[ date ] Tuesday, October 9th - 08:56 am [ subject ] (no subject) [ security ] Public [ location ] dining room table at parents house [ music ] none rite now

yeahh.

So Im in windsor with my family for thanksgiving. Today is the last day I'm here tho... so that kinda sucks. all I've been doing is h/w and for some reason I dont feel very acomplished.

I've been working mostly on my type h/w cause that;s due on thursday... so that's soon. And I still haven't writen anything that great about him - its like I may now everything about him but i just dunno how to bring it together. I'll work on writing something maybe later today. But for the most part I have the small bit I want to say about him finished. I just need to write the inside part so I can make layout woring with actual copy and images... cause i may have like 10 or so layouts with filler copy and img... but they're going to change alot once I add the real stuff... so i dont want to make much more.

For today though my dad's going to drive me to an art store here so I can hopefully find 8 pieces of paper I like. This is for Type h/w but yeah.. I'll have to wait till I get back to print on the school printers... Wednesday wil be one stressfull day... I get back in TO around 2, then I've got to get my ass to York and if I'm not finished my Face by then- finisih it, and print 16 copies. Then get my S.D finished (I have it set to go now so that's no biggie) and finish my process work.

So After i go to school and print stuff and all that I think Im meeting in my group to talk and arrange stuff for our presentation... then I gotta go home, cut out cover paper, finish processwork and then wake up early thursday morning to get to school to bind it all. Just like the last assignment - hopefully I'll get to sleep this time... who knows.

This all for one project (sides the group thing) ... I still have Communication Design to work on... That I'll be working on for most of today - brain storming and taking pictures/drawing them ... I dunno... I'm hoping a ray of light comes down and inspires me with genius but I dont think that'll happen.... XD

But then again I have all saturday and Friday and sunday mornings to work on it. And all night if I have to. So I'll get it done if it kills me (witch it may). Oh, but I also have tones of reading cause I've an inclass test on Monday.

doomed.

So I've started the readings, but I should make notes and stuff. And I'll be printing off the other readings later today to that I can read them on the train trm morning.

I have no idea why I'm bothering to write about this tuff... I think it's only really to help myself organize and de-stress... but it's only getting me more stressed... ><;

ok. I'm going to finish my coffee, have a shower, pin up my hair, get dressed, go buy paper (i hope i have money), and brainstorm about water all the while.

ok. I'm set.

*dies*

and I feel fat lol. so much good food!

[ date ] Saturday, September 29th - 07:06 am [ subject ] (no subject) [ security ] Public [ location ] my room at my desk. [ music ] the blowers daughter - damine rice

i think I'm in need of a bit (a lot) of self reflection. Lately I find myself confused about how I really feel towards the things that I do. I'm a bit off with everything. I should care a lot more about things then I seem to. I have no idea what's wrong with me.

Although i do like being single, I keep day dreaming about what i'd be like to be with someone again. It's the comfort and companionship I think I really want back. To get hugs and to cuddle n stuff when I'm stressed out. It's the small rush of excitement about seeing that other person that I want back. I like to think I'm attractive and have an interesting enough personality that I'd find someone... but without having a broader friend group I'm not meeting anyone new. I guess I'll be waiting for a long time. I just hope my next relationship is something inspiring. Right now my day dreams will have to do.

Design and what exactly it is and what exactly it is that i do is a question posed in my Research and Design class, and a question that is really frustrating to answer. Design is really complicated, all the small things you have to consider when dealing with certain clients goes well beyond what ppl usually think. Designers are buisness(sp?) people. We are problem solvers who think outside of the box. We need to understand how people work. We need to know who we are designing for, and for what purpose. We have to incorporate where we are, the political, social, and regional aspects of it. Even in knowing all of this we have to understand things about these groups and how they will react to small things like the typeface we use.

Design is maddening. There are never wrongs or rights, there are only practicalities. Theres what works well and what works better. ... but if you find the better there is always a better still to find because there is NEVER one solution to your problem.

So what then is art? Or commercial art? Cause a designer can go out and paint something and use it for their design. So really, in esence the mediums associated to designer(computer) and artist(paint) and be interchanged. you can paint of the computer. Not even my usual way of distinguishing the two really work.

I usually like to say that the difference between an artist and designer is what you use your skills for - yourself or your clients. But for some designers, they design not only for their clients, but for themselves. design is there way of self expression just as a painters self portrait is their expression.

So... I guess if you ask me what I do I'll say ... I have no idea really. design is everything you see around you - but then how it was sold to you, sold to the company who sold it to you. What kind of design do I do? ... I dunno why people ask that. I guess its graphic. But I have no idea what I'm doing yet - interactive design, print design, package design, editoral design, I dunno. Maybe I'll design a chair... or a tea cup?

I just get frustrated at the blank looks I get. ' what do you study' 'design' '... what is that exactly?' '... everything?'

*sigh* Personally I'm not sure if I care enough for all this. I may lookit type and can critically analize anything and everything... but can i sit for hours and days trying to create the stuff? rite now I much rather sleep.

ahh... theres alot more on my mind. but I need to fix my hair and eat and then get my stuff ready for a day of h/w at TEL. Water issue here I come! I will concur you in 3 ways and you will become my bitch. Communication Design is on monday and I have 3 colour layouts to do ... from skratch! cause my other stuff sucked my ass with a straw.

then type h/w, then Visual Method drawings, then readings, essay, research, and maybe I'll be ok.

This is why I need someone. a hug would be so awesome rite now. I stress too easy, and I swear if I dont start going on meds for it I'll be a basket case in a year or so. well no... but i dont doubt it'll become a problem later in life if i dont work out how to chill out now.


rite. going now XD
byee.

[ date ] Thursday, September 6th - 12:46 am [ subject ] (no subject) [ security ] Public [ location ] my awesome room

omg. school is in a few hours.

I dont know how I feel about it really, when ppl ask me I really dunno what to say. i guess I'm anxious, nervous, excited, scared, hyped, happy and bad feelings really. But in general I'm all 'eh, school again. I have no fucking clue what to expect.' XD

I foresee myself being heavily stressed with nothing/no one to turn to. I see Starbucks drama getting to me alot more then it already is now. I see an improvement in my art skills, and the branching out of ideas more apparent. I see me having no money, losing weight, making new friends, having fun while getting depressed at the same time.

Really it's the same as last year but squished a bit more together and without Andrew around. But then again Steph is going to school too this year, so chilling with her n doing h/w should be a fun thing to look forward to. n maybe I'll meet someone *shrug* that'll only bring the stress higher, but it'll most likely bring my spirits up as well so eh, win lose. although I doubt I will meet anyone :(

Monday: 9-1 Communication Design, 1:30-4:30 History of Design, 5-9 Visualization Methods. All at the Sheridan campus.
Thursday: 8:30-12:30 Typography 2, 2:30-4:30/4:30-6 Research in Design(and tutorial). All at the York campus.

So it's squished into 2 days so I could work 3 other days 8 hours, and have 2 full days for homework. I will prolly cut down work to only 2 8 hour days, or 2 8 hour, and one 4, to give me 3 or 2 1/2 days for h/w.

Only thing is that with the new manager at work, and me being a shift I am supposed to work 23 ish hours every week, I dunno if she'll let me stay a shift or make me demote myself :S I guess we shall see...

Anyway... I should sleep... I am sorta sick and have to wake up at 6:30 (extra time to look extra ok for the first day back at school lol- n for coffee at sbucks with Steph)

ja ne~!

[ date ] Monday, August 20th - 12:55 am [ subject ] (no subject) [ security ] Public [ location ] my mac in my room [ music ] third eye blind - random song

huh. ok. i think I'm now mostly almost fully completely comfortable with being single. ... yeah.

It's just that i've stopped worrying or thinking about it lately n when someone mentions it I get offended that they think I need a guy to keep me happy.

I guess I realized that I rather just let it all happen then search it out, n now that school'll be staring I really dont want to bother with having to keep up a relationship. I'm highly needy when Im stressed with school, n I get really grouchy n upset randomly n i dont really want to take that all out on anyone soooo It;s prolly best I keep that for me myself n I.

To be honest I rather just be more fliry n have more fun then anything. This summer really hasnt been that way... but I guess thats cause my friends all have bf's/gf's. next summer!!

This year hopefully will bring good things for me. I've collected alot of stuff to work with over the year at school, n I've lots of ideas floating about as well.

My parents are bringing me more of my stuff so I'm happy about that :) I get my art table n my bike back! I'm excited! they come on the 22nd n just stay for the day.

I've been working alot lately so I've been busy ish.. the next few weeks will be busier tho. I need money :S

*sigh* I'm glad I got over what I was mad about, I feel alot less stressed. i'm glad I didn;t have to end the friendship n that things are just back to being alright. I've realized that my view of close friends is alot different then his. Friendship in my mind is something I think only I'm able to give n not many others are able to give it back. I think I've too high of standards for my best friends.

art is going well for me, I just need to keep up on it.

well, I'm really tired, n it's already 1:15am ... grahh.

night.

[ date ] Monday, May 21st - 12:01 am [ subject ] (no subject) [ security ] Public [ location ] living room w the cat [ music ] all the go inbetweens by sliversun pickups

yosh.

so i bought a printer the other day, and I started printing out some imgs and yeah... working on my book of imgs n stuff now. tmr I think I'll add to what i did today and take more photo's.. I'll also scan(cause its a printer/scanner what??) some drawings I've been working on lately... edit them n put them in my book too... maybe.

think i want to plan out a story of imgs for a song... so i should do that tmr or sometime soon before i forget. mm too tired tonight to be anything creative. ja... closeing is hard work ><;;

mm, i'm kinda sad... i think i miss Steph now, haha... took me long enough tho, I thought there was something wrong with me.

my wrist hurts, n my eye was doing some crazy blurry vision thing earlier XD I dunno wats wrong w/ me but oh well. I eat fine ad i sleep alright so i;ve got no clue :s

ok, m too tired to talk too much. this was just to waste time till it was past 12.

night~~!

[ date ] Wednesday, May 9th - 09:21 pm [ subject ] (no subject) [ security ] Public [ location ] here [ mood ] bored [ music ] Innocent - OLP

mm, I'm good.

Being a shift is turning out to be alright, alot more then I thought it was though.. Sunday is my first shift as a shift by myself... and mean of Olia to schedual me with hard ppl to work with... ahh well. I'll just work extra hard to get everything done.

I started my astronomy class, and its pretty fun actually. I like it so far. I have a lot of reading though, and I'm behind already... but I have all day tmr to catch up. Friday too.

mm, life living by myself isnt so bad. Kinda like it. I'm slaking on cleaning... but thats only cause last time i cooked I cooked food that i got sick from ><; so yeah, havent gone to make much since.

I dunno... its weird, I'm pretty lonely but sorta content with it. Like I really wish I had someone one around... but w/e theres not. I've got my Kitty and my teddy-bear and yeah, I'm fine :P

Andrew leaves tmr morning, I got to say bye to him today...but some how it doen't feel quite like i hoped. I dunno. I guess it's just my mood. I sort just wish i got to talk with him more, I'm curious about how he is cause he never really says much. but I guess thats nosy. meh.

I thought i'd miss Steph by now, but I really dont, lol. I'm weird

meh, got to get to drawing and photography... I'm so lazy. and no more spending money cause i'm bored... cause I've gone out shopping by myself too much XD

meh. things are alright, I'm just bored.

[ date ] Wednesday, May 2nd - 01:10 am [ subject ] (no subject) [ security ] Public [ location ] livingroom of house [ music ] Rusted Wheel - Silversun Pickups

grah.

nvm. not making much of an efort either. grah. not that i should or have right to be mad an/or upset about it. i guess i'm just frustrated?

nyha, just a bit sad... or alot, depending on how long i think on it all.

what?? emo?

me? ah ha, if youre reading you know i write nothing but emo crap, so go away.

i think i should just be ok with talking however i want to, its all in my head to call this emo. so what if it is? I feel it so its not 'wrong' and i'm full aware i'll feel fine later.

i'm not all that upset now, just annoyed.

living knowing i'm the only one here is strange. i dont think i like it, but im sad to say i think i could get used to it. i dunno, i like how things are clean... but it feels like the place isnt lived in anymore... :S

i;m still upset about being a conveniant way to spend time between better things. why would anyone say something like that to me when they know i'd take it personally? how could I not? grah. everyone knows i;ve issues with that sort of stuff.

grah. just go away, dont bother spacing out time in your oh so now busy schedual. aparently i;m only worth one evening anyway...

...

today i spent the day shopping by myself.
work was stressful... and i hurt my back when dumping out a stupid full thing of coffee grinds.
i still dont like my hair

on a good note i have drawings to post. Not really finished but eh. I'm working on them slowly.

randomly got curious today and read a bunch of things about random other things and yada yada, I know more about a topic i knew nothing of before. i think id try if i'd ever be offered the opportunity. but knowing me and how ppl see me as i wont get one, so w/e

fuck this i'm bored of writing. I'm just urked how things are going with ppl who mean alot to me. I'm feeling smaller and smaller as the time goes by - this house is freaking me out. tempted to go for a walk... maybe i will...

oh yeah, russian lady upstairs banged on my door this morning to call me out on puttinf out recycle instead of garbage ><; k.. she told Steph it was recycle and thats what Steph told me... so at 12 at night after close was when i put it out. I did look around at other ppls stuff, and yeah... kinda seemed weird and not quite matching but w/e i never took that shit out before so i didn;t know and wasn't going to change what they said on my uncertainty when it was dark out ><; grah. anyway... so i had to get out of bed and help her fix it before the garbage truck came. I felt stupid and was rather annoyed at her 'you stupid girl!!' attitude... grah. that lady always acts like shes got something up her ass. gd i dont like her/

anyway... i'm sad/upset/annoyed/tired... and fuck i just want to be happy ><; i'm going to go pee then i'm going out for a fucking walk - blasting my music and maybe i'll find a place by a light to draw something fucked up... cause thats what i am so i;m gunna draw it so fuck off and no comments.

i say that mostly to my other self who likes to kill everything i want to draw.

*eye twitch* i need to remember vanilla and China green tips tea tmr. and to give stephs key back to her store. and fuck i'm working as a shift and fuck its annoying all the new crap and grahhhhh it took forever to count the fucking safe tonight and i looked the idiot infrunt of Olia and grah.

*tears*

walk... bye... >.>;

so stupid.